For six years I was in an abusive relationship.  Mentally and physically.

It’s not something that I often talk about.  It was by far the worst period of my life and when I think back to those times I can’t believe that I actually lived through them and came out the other side but I did and  I am still here, large as life,  ten years on!  I will always carry the mental scars but  I consider that it has made me the person that I am so in a bizarre kind of way it was a positive experience.  Believe me ten years ago I wouldn’t have ever imagined that I would say that.
 
As I am writing this I can feel  old wounds opening and it hurts like hell .  However it is worth it because if  only one person benefits from my story then that is one person who I have helped.
 
It doesn’t matter what caused the abuse.  A pot in the wrong place or a cheque book not balanced the result is still the same – unacceptable behavior and not to be tolerated.

Realizing that you are in an abusive relationship is a big step. Other people often see it before you do. You may have been surprised by a friend saying, "How can you let them treat you like that?"   The worse thing is your children begging you to leave.  I can still see their frightened  and bewildered faces  in my mind’s eye.

The shift in the balance of 'power' within an abusive relationship can be a gradual thing. The abusive behavior can begin quite subtly; the odd criticism here or sarcastic quip there.
 
Bit by bit your self esteem gets chipped away. And because it's so gradual it can be hard to notice.

If you are like many who find themselves in abusive relationships you may make excuses for them or somehow feel  you are to blame.   They 'love you really' or they are 'under a lot of pressure from work'. They make excuses: 'You know I don't mean it!' Or: 'I'm just trying to help!' Or: 'No one could ever love you like I do!'
 
These manipulations can get under your skin.  It’s only after the event that you realize that they are manipulations. You try desperately to change.  It must be your fault.  You are a terrible person.  You are unlovable.  No-one else would have you.  You  have been told that you are stupid and wouldn’t last five minutes by yourself so that must be true.  I realize now, after the event, that this co-dependency made me tolerate more than I should have had to and that abusive behavior is abusive however it is wrapped up.
 
Funnily enough at the time I was still rational enough to believe that something must be wrong as none of my friends were ever hit by their partners. They seemed happy and they enjoyed being with each other.  I felt constantly unhappy.  However that made me feel guilty as how could I not feel happy with someone who so obviously loved me and had my welfare at the forefront of their mind?  I felt confused and thught that perhaps I was imagining that things were worse than they actually were.  Worst of all I seemed to have forgotten how to laugh.  So I could add the words ‘miserable’ and ‘bad-tempered’ to my list of character traits. What an unpleasant personality. What use was I in the world?

I was with someone who had to constantly correct me .  Let’s face it he could do better for himself.
 
Was it my fault that I had overspent?  Be realistic – if the fuel bills, food, and council tax have escalated in price how can you help but overspend?  No I was incapable of managing the few bills that I was allowed to manage.

No-one visited the house.  Was it surprising that they didn’t want to visit a house where you could cut the atmosphere with a knife?  No they didn’t visit the house because it was agony being with me as I was just the worst person in the world?

My  family had stopped visiting.  Well hardly surprising as I wasn’t allowed to invite them as “you love them more than you love me.”  Yes of course I love them but the love that you feel for a close family member is different from the love that you feel for a spouse.

My children disliked me.  Well would you want to be with your mum if it hurt you so much to see her suffering?  No I thought that I was a bad mum.

So taking all this into account I decided to bow out gracefully.  Before this I had started to self harm so I in my mind the pain couldn’t get any worse.

During all this time my dog was my constant companion.  I would spend hours walking her, all the time telling her my innermost feelings.  She never hurt me, thought I was stupid or shouted at me.

My favourite time for walking was whilst it was raining or just after.  I would look at puddles and imagine myself face down in them.  You don’t need deep water to drown.  Or else I could get soaking wet in the rain and finish by lying on the bench in our garden.  I would then get pneumonia and die.

I started going for drives.  I would look for brick walls to drive into.  I was scared but figured that if I put my foot down hard then I would be killed outright and wouldn’t suffer.

It doesn’t matter.  Nobody would miss me.  A funeral and then I would be quickly forgotten. Life would then carry on as normal.

I didn’t do any of these things.

Instead I then started planning my partner’s death.  By this time I hated him so much.  Every time I looked at him I saw a monster and what was worse I had started to return his punches. 

So every morning I would go out to his car and very carefully position a nail upright between the tyre and the road.  In my dreams his car tyre would pick up the nail and on the way to work he would have a blowout, crash the car and would be killed.  I would be free.

This didn’t happen.

This is all sounding rather gloomy, but there was a light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel.

I am now in a happy relationship where it doesn’t matter about a pot being in the wrong place or the cheque book that doesn’t balance.  I feel respected and valued.  My friends visit.  My family are allowed to visit and my kids love spending time with me.  And I laugh..a lot!

A true relationship is mutually supportive and encouraging, you spend time talking together without fear of being judged, shouted at or worst physically violated. You don't attack one another's personalities, you give negative feedback with a view that your partner is basically good and that any negatives are a small part of who they are - not everything!

So to sum up;  Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. It can happen to families anywhere and from all walks of life.  Men are sometimes abused by female or male partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. It can happen in heterosexual or lesbian relationships.

Although a lot of people think domestic violence is about anger, it really isn't. Batterers do tend to take their anger out on their intimate partner. But it's not really about anger. It's about trying to instill fear and wanting to have power and control in the relationship. In an financially abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control. They make all major decisions, including financial ones.  They control the cheque book, keep all the credit cards, manage all the bills and are in charge of the home.  They dictate what comes in and goes out. You are dependent upon your partner for household money and you are treated like a servant or possession.

If you are in an abusive relationship there are three important steps you can take to start breaking the chain of events and changing your life.

Recognise that what is happening to you is domestic violence

Accept that you are not to blame

Get help

Helen  says;  Please, please remember that you are not a punch bag or someone to be ‘put straight’ by anyone else.  If the person you are with has made you feel inadequate, useless and fearless then it’s time to escape the abusive relationship.  The most important thing you can do is to tell someone.  The process of asking for help may take some time as you may try to make the relationship work and find practical and emotional reasons to stay with your abuser.

I have added some links should you need to talk to someone

http://www.crimereduction.homeoffice.gov.uk/domesticviolence/domesticviolence40.htm
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
http://www.broken-rainbow.org.uk/
http://www.wdvh.org.uk/documents/23.html